I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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