This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
