Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm like, not good at living.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
