He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
