I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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