I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
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