I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
