Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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