You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Redeem this text for a blowjob
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
