I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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