Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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