Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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