i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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