You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
