Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
