so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
