i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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