Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
