All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
