as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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