i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
50% drunk capacity currently
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
