So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
