fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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