You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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