Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
