I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Two words: nipple clamps
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