I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I wish there were birth control emojis
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
