Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
