that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
