Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
