someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
