Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
