dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
be right there i have to get my cape
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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