I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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