I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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