I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
