Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
