I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
