after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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