my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
