woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
