Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
