I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
