it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
