Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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