Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Randomize
