i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
