i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
