ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
