Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
