Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
