my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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