Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
