All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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