made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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