Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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