She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
The air was thick with penises
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
