my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Randomize
