this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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